Lessons from a Gay Bar

When my partner David took me to my very first gay bar (15+ years ago), I knew exactly what to expect: a relatively small, dark, and smoky dance floor thumping with deafening techno music, a rhythmic array of multi-colored strobes and laser beams piercing through manufactured fog and bouncing off the countless mirrored surfaces of a giant disco ball, a writhing mass of hunky men with thick mustaches dirty dancing in barely crotch-length leather shorts and shimmering gold short-sleeve tops with deep v's showing off their hairy chests, flamboyant drag queens stumbling around in stilettos - sloshing pink martinis all over each other as they jostle for position to ogle the hot bods on the dance floor, spiky-haired biker chicks staking out their territory at the bar - arm wrestling over a pack of Lucky Strikes - staring you down as the one and only obstacle between you and the bartender, chattering clusters of cliques comprised of hair-dressers, fashionistas, choreographers, make-up artists and the like, dishing wildly (and simultaneously, I might add) about who was doing whom and what they were wearing, and perhaps a handful of highly buffed and waxed indian chiefs, police officers, construction workers, military men, and/or cowboys in glitzy disco garb rallying support for a rousing chorus of 'Y-M-C-A' . What else would you expect at a gay bar??

Of course, I fretted the entire way there. Not only was I lacking the wardrobe to pull off a look that was 'gay enough' for the gay bar, but I wasn't sure I really wanted to pull it off. I mean, even though I had come to terms with the fact that I was gay, and had taken some rather bold steps to proclaim my affection for David and to out myself to friends and family, I was really conflicted about the fact that I had to fundamentally change who I was to fit into my 'new lifestyle'. It simply wasn't me.

Yet here I was... on my way to my first gay bar with my new gay lover... about to flutter far from the comfort of my cocoon with untested and brightly colored wings... newly metamorphosed into something completely different... woefully under-dressed and decidedly over-stressed. Talk about putting pressure on myself! At least I had the drama part down.

Imagine the anti-climax as we stepped out of David's tan Saturn into the summer-scorched parking lot of a somewhat dated, highly stuccoed strip mall in the heart of Old Scottsdale, and worked our way to a back corner of the building where we found the small and unassuming entrance to BS West. Other than being a little hard to find at first, there really wasn't any indication that this place was any different than any other bar I had ever been to. In fact, there really wasn't anything special about it at all! There was no techno-thumping emanating from within. There were no drag queens draping the doorway in seductive poses, beckoning us to enter. There were no special hand signals or code words required to get by the doorman. Nothing! It was just a regular entrance to a small two-story bar that could have passed as any watering hole in Arizona.

Somewhat conflicted with a mixture of relief, surprise, disappointment, excitement, anxiety, and general perplexity, I clutched David for reassurance and ventured inside. Upon entering, I was immediately assuaged by the all-too-familiar and utterly disarming bubble gum backdrop of Cindy Lauper's 'Girls Just Want to have Fun'. Oh yes, it's true. And while it wasn't what I expected, it was most certainly appropriate. As I looked around, clad in my Levis and button-down oxford (with hints of pink that made it 'gay'), I saw scores of others who were sporting similar fashions, and was immediately confronted with the realization that I was not out of place in this bar. Not at all.

The first guys I set eyes on were fairly handsome thirty-somethings dressed in rugged jeans and Eddie-Bauer style shirts. They looked like average guys who just got off the construction site, and were meeting for a drink or two before heading home. Impossible. This is a gay bar for God's sake!

I whispered to David...

"Hey, what are those guys doing here?"

"Ummm..." he uttered, "...having drinks?"

"No... but why here? They're not gay."

"Ummmm... OK."

"And that guy... he looks like an accountant or something!"

"Ummmm... could be. (?)"

"And her... she looks normal. What's she doing here? Is that a lesbian??"

"Ummm... 'she' would be a guy..."

"A transvestite?! No way! She doesn't look anything like Liza Minelli or Elizabeth Taylor!"

David sighed with exasperation.

"OK... here we go..." I continued, "that guy's gay. I can totally tell by the highlights in his hair and the way he rolls his eyes and uses his hands when he talks."

"Ummmm... they're pretty much all gay, Scott. Really."

And so it went. As the night went on... little by little... my stereotypes and preconceptions about being gay were snuffed one by one. These were just regular people - who happened to be gay, lesbian, transsexual, or bi-sexual - out for drinks, laughs, and/or companionship just like anybody else at any other bar. Aside from the fact that there was clearly same-sex attraction in the air, and the mildly distracting flock of drag queens that strutted throughout the club, you really wouldn't guess that it was anything out of the ordinary. It struck me that for the most part these people weren't defined by their sexuality. It was just a part of who they were... nothing more, nothing less.

After I adjusted to the relative normalcy of the place, and my incessant and absurd line of questioning finally subsided, David and I settled into the part of the bar that best fit our lifestyle... at the pool table. It's funny, because that's where we always ended up at our regular neighborhood bar, and I never imagined that a gay bar would have pool tables too. Who'd've thunk it?

We ended up staying for several hours... had a few drinks, met other couples, and played pool most of the night. It was a lot of fun, and not at all what I expected.

As I reflected on the evening in the car on the way home with David, I felt warm and reassured. I finally had a glimpse of what my life would become as a gay man... confident in my sexuality, partnered with a wonderful (and patient) man, and free to be myself. And I liked it. I no longer felt like I had to behave a certain way to be accepted - by anyone. I didn't have to act like I was straight, nor did I have to act like I was gay. It turns out I could simply be me, and happen to be gay. What more could I want?

Lost in thought, musing about the future, I was suddenly pulled back to the present by a muffled commotion outside the car... like a brewing road rage coming to a boil. Our windows were rolled up, so at first the sounds were muffled, but I could distinctly hear angry voices... yelling. As I looked out the window to my right, my view was consumed by a big pick-up truck driving very closely next to us, and the driver's fist was pounding angrily on the side of his truck. Glancing upward, I made eye contact with a VERY angry jock with a severe crew cut and teeming with testosterone. He was screaming profanities at us. The truck swerved back and forth next to us, threatening to hit the car, and the driver was not alone. The cab contained a trio of angry young men who were all shouting, waving their fists, and threatening us vehemently.

At first, I thought perhaps we had accidentally cut them off in traffic or something. But as I listened more carefully, I started to comprehend what they were saying. DIE, YOU F$%KING FAGS! YOU AIDS MOTHER F$%KERS! WE'RE GOING TO KICK YOUR F$%KING ASS!

It was then that I realized I had been caressing the back of David's neck as he drove. I had been doing so ever since we left the bar, and these guys obviously didn't like that. I really hadn't thought about it. Normally, I would have been more careful about publicly displaying affection, but the experience at the bar had given me a different perspective - a new found confidence - one that was evidently misplaced and not without consequence.

Fortunately, we were on a main thoroughfare on a Saturday night, so there really wasn't too much these angry homophobes could do. After a litany of threats and profanities, they squealed off ahead of us with a profusion of middle-fingers and farewell curses. Had we been somewhere more remote with fewer witnesses, I have no doubt they would have forced us off the road and beaten us up - if not worse.

A little shaken but physically unscathed, David and I made our way home in tense silence. My hands stayed politely folded in my lap the entire way as I processed the events of the evening.

Ultimately my lesson(s) from the gay bar were ones that have lasted with me to this day.

First, LGBT people are as varied as society itself. If you go to a gay bar, you're bound to find the same assortment of personalities and lifestyles you would find at any straight bar. The only real difference is who goes home with whom.

Second, LGBT people don't frequent gay bars or reside in gay communities because we thrive on being different from the rest of society. No... we are simply looking for environments where we will be accepted and where we can feel safe... a place where we can caress our partner's neck without fear of being attacked. The reality is, there are enough angry homophobes out there to create a real concern for all of us who identify as LGBT. Just check out the video from my last blog if you don't believe me.

And third, a stereotype is nothing more than a caricature of reality and should be treated as such. Yes, stereotypes have some basis of truth... you bet. I could go to Boystown this weekend and find elements of all the personas I described earlier (as well as find the bars that cater to them); and truth be told, I might even share some quiet chuckles with my friends making inappropriate jokes at their expense. It's human nature. Let's face it, the root of all humor begins with some form of insult, and stereotypes were spawned for the sole purpose of serving up a punchline. Heck, we all do it... life would be awfully dull if we couldn't poke fun at each other and ourselves!

But if you can't get past the stereotype... if you're not willing to see people for who they really are rather than how you would like to see them... then you might want to do some reflecting of your own. Stereotypes of any kind open the door to the myths and misconceptions that surround them, and that's what ultimately leads to prejudice and bigotry. None of us starts out as a bigot, but it's a slippery slope and we're all perched precariously at the top of the hill.

Fifteen years ago, my view of gays was clearly misinformed and laughably juvenile. I had assimilated all the stereotypes I had ever heard, and applied them with a broad brush to an entire community. As crazy as it seems, these caricatures influenced the way I viewed and treated LGBT people in general. It wasn't until I literally stepped across that threshold and saw the world through a different lens that I recognized the error of my ways.

As for the angry jocks that verbally assaulted us on the way home, I can only hope they eventually saw the light too. Societal views about gays have evolved quite a bit since then, and hopefully theirs did too. Life is too short to live with such anger and contempt. Live and let love, I say.

Gay Myths = Violence Against Gays

To date in my blogsperience, I've explored a variety of gay myths and have done my best to debunk them. My main purpose has been to highlight the fact that these myths are nothing more than ignorant perceptions about what it means to be gay, and ultimately demean all of us who identify as LGBT.

But it's more than that. Myths about gays cause fear... fear that we will exploit your children, threaten your sexuality, and ultimately corrode societal values. Obviously these fears are unfounded, but they exist. Think about it. Fear is the root of the controversy around gay marriage. Fear is the heart of the angst around gays in the military. And fear is the genesis of hate.

While you may not recognize it at its face value, hate against the LGBT community abounds. Sometimes it is couched in sarcasm or hidden in innuendo, but it is often even more blatant. Attend any gay pride parade or street fair in the gay district of any major municipality, and you will find religious protestors angrily condemning our kind and spewing vile and dire warnings. For people who profess to be followers of Jesus, their actions couldn't be further from the tenet of 'love thy neighbor'.

If it were only the taunts and jaunts of religious extremists, or the not-so-subtle jabs of the jock culture that fuels our society's 'man-laws', I could probably quietly and honorably live as a gay man with a heap of self-assurance and only a modicum of contempt. But I can't. You see, hate is more than taunting. Hate breeds violence. And that I cannot accept.

According to 2007 FBI hate crime statistics, violence against the LGBT community ranked third, only behind race and religion. Violence based on race was by far the highest percentage (52%), but religion and sexual orientation were nearly equal at 17.1% and 15.9% respectively. Keep in mind that several states still do not recognize sexual orientation as a basis for hate crimes. Even in states that do, it is widely speculated that these crimes are grossly under-reported. Hence, the numbers are probably under-stated.

So what to do? The fact is, statistical facts don't really tell the story. Every day, in every country and every city around the world, the LGBT community is victimized by violence. And it's not just a vague concept of 'attacks against the community'. These are real people who are subjected to real violence. The only way to appreciate the injustice that happens each and every day is to experience real-life situations.

See for yourself. Embedded in this blog is a video that highlights just a few examples of gays, lesbians, and trangenders who were killed simply because of their sexual identity. Watch the video. Experience it. Imagine that these people are your family... your loved ones. Nobody deserves to be subjected to these kinds of atrocities. And no one should stand on the sidelines to let it happen.

Myths cause fear... fear leads to hate... hate breeds violence. Stop the myths. End the violence.

Gay Myth #5: We are Godless Sinners

It is difficult to write objectively on a topic that essentially contemplates my eternal damnation. To many Christian believers, being gay means going to hell. Period. So, unless I do something drastic and more socially acceptable - like becoming an ordained priest for example - I am destined to dwell in the pits of hell.

It doesn't matter if God made me this way (which He didn't if you ask many Christian crusaders - I clearly chose to be sexually attracted to men, either consciously or sub-consciously), living a 'gay lifestyle' is an abomination and can only result in fire and brimstone.

Nor does it matter that the few scriptures that even allude to homosexuality as a sin are subject to debate in regards to both literal translation and contextual meaning. No... these self-anointed soul-savers clearly have the inside scoop on the Word of God and are more than eager to share the true meaning of these passages with all who will listen.

As good Christians, most make sure to remind everyone to 'hate the sin, and not the sinner'. This means they will tolerate me and my lifestyle while they pity me for my certain damnation. Very pious, indeed. For the record, I so appreciate being tolerated. I once had to tolerate Athlete's Foot that lasted for several weeks, and it required an enormous amount of self restraint to keep from chopping off my feet. If not for my faith in Lotrimin, and an untapped inner-strength I had previously not known, I fear I would have smote (smitten?) my feet while pitying their fate. Tolerance has truly made me a better man. I can only imagine the patience and inner resolve it takes for a good Christian to tolerate the flaming forbidden fruits that frolic among them.

Sarcasm aside, I do think it's difficult for any gay man or woman to truly embrace a religion that espouses homophobic dogma. As I think about my LGBT friends, I have to say that most are not outwardly religious people - although I speculate that many of them have core religious beliefs. Conversely, I also know several gay men and women who are deeply religious and have found tremendous spiritual support through the minority of churches who openly welcome LGBT members. It's disheartening to know, however, that most churches continue to treat homosexuality as a sin and therefore treat gays with 'tolerance' rather than a welcoming embrace. Frankly, I find it unbelievable that ANY religion would turn away someone who is truly seeking spiritual enlightenment, and yet here we are.

For me, it's hard to reconcile the notion that God made me gay, and is condemning me for it (or at least for not 'overcoming' it). I recently read some advice on an Islamic site that instructs parents to teach their children at an early age that homosexuality is wrong, and that if they experience homosexual urges they must resist because they are being 'tested' by God. I'm sure this attitude is not unique to the Islam faith - it is just as prevalent in Christianity. I believe there is something inherently wrong with that way of thinking, and I will not accept it.

More importantly, I do not believe morality has anything to do with sexual identity. In my opinion, any secular faith that equates the two has let societal misconceptions and fears overshadow the true message that early spiritual leaders were trying to convey. Most religions are based on one simple rule: "do unto others as you would have them do unto you". This means you should have love and respect for others - promoting their safety, well-being, and prosperity - and you should strive to contribute to a better society.

At its core, that's what religion is all about. It has nothing to do with sexual identity. In fact, the very act of condemning and chastising gays for their sexual identity in the name of God is contrary to the basic tenets of religion. How does prejudice and bigotry demonstrate love and respect for fellow man? Leave the final judgment to your God of choice, but while in this life... Live and Let Love.

So are gays Godless? Clearly not. As I've said before, the LGBT community is as diverse as society itself. We represent the full spectrum of religious beliefs, in spite of the fact that we are ostracized by many of the religions we belong to.

And are gays sinners? You'll have to decide that for yourself. I've given you my view of it. For reference, here is a brief 'cheat sheet' on how many of the major religions view homosexuality.

• Christianity: varies by church denomination, but traditionally considers homosexuality a sin.
• Judaism: varies by Jewish sect. Scripture alludes to homosexual acts as an abomination - much like practicing idolatry, sinful sacrifices, and/or witchcraft, although the translation and context is debated.
• Islam: explicitly states that homosexuality is a sin. Many Islamic countries still punish homosexual acts with death. (Sure... and these people choose to be gay)
• Hindu: does not appear to reference homosexuality in religious texts, and so seems to have conflicting interpretations.
• Buddhism: does not appear that the Buddha addressed homosexuality directly in his teachings, and also seems to have conflicting interpretations.

For a far more comprehensive chart on various religious views on homosexuality, click on the following link at http://www.religionfacts.com/homosexuality/comparison_chart.htm. I'm sure you'll find it interesting.

Special thanks to http://www.religioustolerance.org/ for a wealth of information on this topic.