Gay Myth #2 - 'Gay Lifestyle' (Part II)

After reading my last blog entry, where I depicted a fictional 'gay lifestyle' jam-packed with the juicy encounters of a rather promiscuous drama queen, a friend of mine shared a fitting analogy with me comparing the 'gay lifestyle' to the 'straight lifestyle'. He said, "to generalize gays like that means that we should use Bourbon Street during Mardi Gras to show what the heterosexual lifestyle is. I mean, we all know that women flash their breasts all the time to attract mates, right? And wet t-shirt contests are regular events at the Community Pool". Right? Exactly.

Clearly these elements exist in the 'straight world', and are even celebrated to a degree by society with lusty wistfulness as a right of passage for our virile youth, and a fleeting carnal excursion for heteroveterans who can get away with it. As such, it would never be suggested that this is representative of the 'straight lifestyle' at large - except perhaps by puritanical extremists. It is simply seen for what it is... an outlandish diversion from the confines of the cultural shackles we as a society place upon ourselves.

Yet for gays... images of flamboyancy and promiscuity are often taken out of context from festivals, parades, and yes... Gay Mardi Gras, to label us as if this is how we live our lives on a daily basis. This imagery is held up as evidence of our debauchery - a beacon of our perversion - and serves as fodder for moral judgment and discrimination. It's a caricature to which we are all compared, yet is as foreign and uncomfortable to many gays as Mardi Gras (or Spring Break, or... name your sextravaganza...) is to straights.

So back to the basic question... what is the 'gay lifestyle'? As promised in my last blog entry, I will now share the sordid details of my lifestyle... a 'gay in the life', so to speak.

I have a good job at a very large U.S. corporation, as does the love of my life and partner of 15 years, David. As dual-income white collar workers with no kids (the protypical DINKS), we are blessed with a lifestyle that allows us to travel to exotic places a couple times a year, and to dine out at fine restaurants on a regular basis (almost every Friday / Saturday night). We live in a two-story home in the Northwest suburbs of Chicago, on a beautiful wooded property that is host to an abundance of wildlife. We love to barbecue on the weekends when the weather is nice, and we enjoy spending time with friends and family. Given our penchant for fine dining, we have really focused in recent years on trying to eat healthier when we go out, and to spend more time exercising so we can stay in shape.

We are good friends with another gay couple in the NW suburbs, and make a point to go into the city on a semi-regular basis - maybe once every other month - more frequently in the summer. On these nights, we often have dinner at a nice downtown restaurant and then hit the bars in Boystown afterwards. David doesn't drink, so he has the honor of being designated driver for the four of us - a duty that requires supreme patience and will ultimately earn him sainthood, I'm sure. Depending on our mood, we sometimes skip Boystown altogether. Other times, we might not get home until four in the morning - with a stop at White Castle or for fried egg cheeseburgers and greasy hashbrowns at the 24 Hour Diner on Irving Park. It kind of depends on how the night rolls.

We've traveled with these same friends on a couple of occasions - once to the Riviera Maya, where we enjoyed scuba diving and lots of beach action - and once on a gay cruise, where we also enjoyed scuba diving, lots of beach action, and quality time with a few thousand of our closest gay and lesbian friends. At first, we were worried that going on a gay cruise would be akin to being stuck for 7 days in a gay techno bar - imagine non-stop techno beats and mobs of shirtless guys gyrating in a mass of sexual energy - fun for a night out, but a whole week's worth? In actuality, it turned out to be a lot of fun, with enough variety to please just about everyone on board the ship. There were gays of all descriptions, from young hunky singles looking for action to long-term couples looking for sun and relaxation. To be frank... while we leaned more toward the latter description, I personally had a lot of fun joining some of the more outrageous events (like the underwear party) that I never would consider doing in Chicago. It was a harmless diversion that was SOOO out of character for me!

We are also very good friends with a gay couple from Sacramento. David had known them long before he and I met, and once David and I got together, we instantly became dear friends as couples. We've traveled all over the world together, including Mexico, Central America, the Caribbean, Hawaii, Italy, Thailand, and China. We'll be heading back to Hawaii (Kauaii) in just a couple weeks as a matter of fact - and we hope to plan trips to Peru and South Africa in the next couple years. A typical vacation for us includes frenetic sight seeing, shopping, and an inordinant amount of picture-taking by day, fine dining by night, and as much bridge (yes... the card game) as we can possibly squeeze in. We usually try to work in one trip to a local gay bar, just to see what it's like, but that's about it. We've been doing this for 15 years, and I fully expect we'll continue to do it for many, many more.

I have also kept in very close touch with a few good friends from high school, and have upheld an annual tradition of camping and stream-fishing with one of my friends for almost 25 years. Our trips started in high school with about a half-dozen or so teenagers braving the wilderness in the cool pines of Eastern Arizona, but over the years it's dwindled to just the two of us. In recent years my brother-in-law has gone too. My friend is straight - as is of course, my brother in law - and no... I hate to disappoint, but there is no Brokeback Mountain action. We really camp and fish all week, and I love every minute of it.

As for the rest of my 'gay lifestyle', there's not much more to tell. I work too hard and travel a lot for my job. I try to run as often as I can (today was about 7 miles), and I love to play basketball (all 5'7" of me). I'm a huge Phoenix Suns fan, but just couldn't bear to watch this season. And I'm glad I didn't!

So there you have it. For those of you who have never had the 'inside scoop' on a real gay lifestyle, well now you have. I just described one gay lifestyle... mine. If you would like to hear another, you'll have to ask another gay person or couple and I'm sure it will be very different. That's the point of this blog. We are not caricatures or stereotypes, we are real people with real lives.

When I started part one of this blog, I mentioned that the problem with the notion of a 'gay lifestyle' is three-fold:

1. It is based on the premise that there is a ‘gay lifestyle’, and that there is something inherently wrong with it
2. It creates the illusion that one’s sexuality somehow defines one’s way of life, and
3. It leads to the false conclusion that being gay is OK, but accepting that you are gay is not

I think I've addressed item number one. There is no 'gay lifestyle', just as there is no 'straight lifestyle'. Plain and simple. I've said it before, and I'll say it again... we are as diverse as society itself.

I think I've also addressed item number two - albeit indirectly. While there is a relationship between an individual's sexuality and his or her lifestyle, it is not unique to being gay. Every human being on the planet has choices to make about whether to be promiscuous, chaste, or somewhere in between. For most humans, the sexual drive evolves over a lifetime, as does one's sexual behaviors. Someone who is a complete horn-dog in his or her youth can evolve to be happily monogamous in later life. And vice-versa. The point is that this has nothing to do with being gay or straight. It is simply a matter of being human.

The third point is much deeper from my perspective, and has very serious implications. I'll spend more time on this in an upcoming blog, but for now suffice it to say that this misconception is a primary source of pain - even agony - for many LGBT people struggling with sexual identity. In many ways we've been 'reprieved' by a growing acceptance that we don't choose to be gay, yet we are still held accountable for 'choosing' to live a gay lifestyle. The inference is that to be accepted in society, we should deny who we are in order to conform to societal expectations. It forces us to choose between personal happiness and fulfillment, and a lifetime of denial and deception. There is no salvation in denying your true self. More to come on this later.

As a final thought for this blog entry, I'll share with you my own view of the caricature I described earlier. Much like the wistful allure Mardi Gras holds on some in mainstream hetero-society... the unabashed flamboyancy of an out and proud queen has a similar effect on me. While I have not spent much if any time in that (outlandish) world, it represents to me a freedom of spirit, courage, and self-acceptance that I can only admire. I do not and will not judge, because I think there is a little bit of pink in all of us - it just shows through some more strongly than others. Ironically, I actually do have a box full of pink feather boas in my basement - a story for another time - but perhaps it's a sign that it's not as foreign to me as I like to think. ; )

Gay Myth #2 - We Live a 'Gay Lifestyle'

For those who are conflicted by the idea that being gay is not a choice (see debunked Myth #1 in previous blog), the next layer of moral righteousness is often found in the notion that we ‘choose a gay lifestyle’. It’s a subtle distinction, but an important one.

Essentially, they’re concluding that while it’s not a mortal sin to be gay – since the offender really has no choice in the matter – the choice to actively live a ‘gay lifestyle’ still qualifies as a moral deficiency. It’s merely a matter of degree. Mortal sin? No. Double-purgatory? Probably so. As long as they can weave ‘choice’ into the equation, they can comfortably satisfy their appetite for moral supremacy.

The problem with this notion is three-fold:

1. It is based on the premise that there is a ‘gay lifestyle’, and that there is something inherently wrong with it


2. It creates the illusion that one’s sexuality somehow defines one’s way of life, and


3. It leads to the false conclusion that being gay is OK, but accepting that you are gay is not

Let’s tackle each one of these problems head on… shall we?

First, I would be ever-so-grateful if someone who believes in this myth could explain to me what it is like to live a ‘gay lifestyle’. My guess is they would describe a typical week in gaydom something like this…

• Monday: Go to work late, hungover from wild weekend of gay debauchery. (Is that glitter in my crotch?). Take Xanadu to the groomer at break. Order feather headdress and leather chaps for upcoming pride parade. Call Bryce (or was it Damon?) to thank him (them?) for a fabulous weekend. This could really lead to something special. Leave work early to pick up Xanadu from the groomer. Finish rhinestoning boots and sunglasses for Elton Johnathon. Meet Carson at the Manhole for cocktails.
• Tuesday: Go to work late, hungover from wild evening of gay debauchery with Carson and his 3 friends from Tulsa. Carson is so dreamy... this could really lead to something special. Order feather boa for Pink Party next Saturday. Schedule bikini wax. Leave work early to pick up DVD for movie night with next-door-neighbor Trystan - either 'In & Out', 'Priscilla Queen of the Desert', or Vin Diesel.
• Wednesday: Call in sick for work. Waxer had a slot open up today. Need tub of cocoa butter, Costco size bottle of ibuprofen, and a gallon of cosmos to get through this... going Brazilian. Send flowers to Trystan. It was so sweet watching In & Out with him. I think he's really the one. Call sister to see about taking her kids to Ice Capades this week with Trystan. If all goes well, maybe we'll order a set of matching Nicaraguans from the Gaydoption agency. Leave work early to show off Trystan and my new wax job at Steam Works. Cap off the evening with cocktails at the Mineshaft.
• Thursday: Go to work late, hungover from wild evening of gay debauchery with Trystan, Carson and his 3 friends from Tulsa. What a coincidence running into them at Steam Works! Order tickets to Ice Capades tonight. Look into airline tickets to Vancouver and Vermont. If too expensive, mapquest directions to gay chapels in Dubuque. Trystan is such a catch! Leave work early to pick up adorable nephews Jacob, Tanner, and Devon for ice show. Oh yeah... and niece megan too.
• Friday: Get to work on time today... OMG... crisis is brewing! Nicole's wedding is tomorrow, and the roses came in peach rather than apricot! Let's GO, people!!! Armand - re-work the makeup palette, Dante - find some new gown accessories in PEACH, Elliot - change out the tablecloths and linens, and Nathan - for GOD'S SAKE STOP CRYING! We have a wedding to save here, people!!! And no... I do NOT want to talk about my little rug-rat debacle last night. I knew it was a mistake bringing Megan. She made Trystan spill strawberry daiquiri all over his white Armanis with some crazy Kristi Yamaguchi bulls%&t at intermission. Trystan will never speak to me again. Meet Wesley at the Tool Box for straight up martinis as soon as this wedding crisis has simmered.
• Saturday: Show up for wedding just in time... after wild evening of gay debauchery with Terrance and Anthony. Wesley never showed up at Tool Box, so I high tailed it over to Ramrod where I met T&A (as I like to call them). Wedding saved, of course! Exchanged phone numbers with 'best man' - and oh yes, he was. His girlfriend shot dagger eyes at me the entire ceremony. I'll get him, my pretty... you just watch. Afternoon of jazzercizing and spin class. Can't wait to wear new 'tards and leg-warmers. Tonight is glitter-fest at Crystal Balls, with after hours at HottoZone.
• Sunday: Stayed up all night dancing and doing X with Damon (or was it Bryce?). Morning includes Bloody Mary brunch at Proud Mary's followed by gay rights march outside of 'Lil Angels' Sunday School. Gotta break in those leather chaps somewhere! Xanadu looks so cute in her pink taffeta tutu! Meet up with Dillon for cocktails at Sidetracks. It's Show Tune Sunday... clang, clang, clang!!!
• Monday: Rinse and repeat.

Is this about right? I can't be sure, but I think it might sound familiar to those who feel the need to speculate about what it's like to live a 'gay lifestyle'. To find out more about a REAL gay lifestyle (mine), and to challenge the illusions and conclusions that are drawn from such a myth, stay tuned for part 2 of this blog...

Gay Myth #1 - We choose to be gay

Before I delve into this topic, I feel compelled to expound for a minute on why it even matters. Frankly, to me it doesn't. However, to a large number of people out there - I like to think of them as 'moraliticians' - it's a critical question. The thinking goes like this... If sexuality is a choice, then the act of making the choice to be gay is one that has moral consequences, and can rightly and justly be deemed 'immoral'. If sexuality is somehow pre-determined, then the 'gay offender' cannot be held responsible as they had no choice in the matter. After all, you can't blame someone for their genetics / body chemistry. I think a little differently about the question. My view is that there is nothing wrong with being gay, so whether or not it is a choice is irrelevant.

With that said, I would like to answer the question from my perspective. I'll caveat everything I'm about to say with a disclaimer that I am not a scientist, I have not done any real research on the subject, and I can't really speak for the entire gay community. I am merely sharing my own personal history. It is my truth. I will also forewarn you that I will address this topic in a very frank and descriptive fashion. If you are offended or squeamish about the attractions and arousals of a gay man, please do read on. That's the point.

I can say unequivocally that I never made the choice to be gay. There was never a point in my life where I decided, "hmmm... all else being equal I think I would prefer to be sexually attracted to men instead of women". I never had that option. The fact is, once I became sexually aware, I quickly realized that I was sexually attracted to men - not women. And I was mortified. I didn't know what it meant to be gay, but I knew there was stigma associated with it, and I knew it was wrong. Growing up, I had visions of living the American dream... with a wife, kids, dog, picket fence... the whole deal. But this sexual deviancy of mine... well, it was sure to ruin everything.

Ultimately, I did make the choice to accept the fact that I am gay - but only after many years of denial, shame, self-loathing, and failed attempts to change myself. Of course, in hindsight, I now know that changing my sexuality was an impossible mission. I couldn't change something so fundamental, so core to my being. I am gay, plain and simple.

So when did I know? What were the clues? It's hard to pinpoint, but there were inklings early on and it became clearer as I grew older. Here are some key recollections:

• I had a boy doll when I was maybe 4(?) years old, and it was for dressing - meaning it had snaps, zippers, buttons, etc. I'm sure it was intended to teach children how to dress themselves, but I recall being fascinated with the pants. I kept un-doing the pants to see what was underneath. I think there might have been a girl doll too, but if there was, I never played with that.


• Around the same age, I recall being with my baby-sitter in a women's locker room at the community pool. I was upset that I couldn't go change in the men's locker room, because she didn't want me to go through there un-supervised. There were several women around in various states of un-dress, assuring me that someday I would LOVE to have the opportunity to be in the girls locker room with all these naked women. I distinctly recall thinking, "ummm... I seriously doubt it."


• When I was a little older (maybe 5 or 6), the same baby-sitter was dating a lifeguard. One evening, she took me to the pool where he worked and we swam for hours. He was a very good looking, nicely tanned, muscular guy, in a tight red swim suit. He would put me on his back and use the swim lane rope to pull himself and me across the pool as fast as he could. It was really a thrilling ride, and I clutched on to him as tightly as I could while we rushed through the water like a speeding torpedo. I couldn't put my finger on it at the time, but the thrill was more than just the ride... I was completely enamored with him.


• At age seven, I had a more complex view of the world. By then, we had a nanny who was a devout Baptist. She had been teaching me scriptures for months, and I was learning the concepts of heaven and hell. I asked her if children could go to hell, and she said "oh no, honey. All children under the age of 8 automatically go to heaven if they die - because they don't know right from wrong yet." Later that day, we were standing on a busy street corner waiting to cross, and I was seriously contemplating jumping in front of oncoming traffic. I knew there was something different about me, and that I had a challenging life in front of me. Perhaps I should take my 'free pass to heaven' while I still could. As I thought deeply about it - my heart racing faster with each car that whooshed by - I realized that I did know right from wrong and I wasn't about to get into heaven on an age technicality. I also knew that even though I was somehow different, I was strong enough to face whatever lie ahead.


• In middle school, things did get more difficult. By then, I was becoming aware of myself as a sexual being, not just a boy. And I saw others as sexual beings as well. As I became more familiar with the changes occurring in my body, I realized that I was sexually aroused by men and the thought of being naked around other men. Of course this posed a real challenge when we started showering for P.E. in 7th and 8th grade. Fortunately, showers weren't mandatory, so I simply avoided the situation at all costs.


• In high school, showering for P.E. was mandatory and I was absolutely terrified that I would not be able to hide the fact that I was gay. [For you straight guys out there... imagine if you were told your freshman and sophomore year that you had to shower with girls every day, and you would become a virtual pariah if you dared to become aroused. Think about it.] Fortunately, I learned in short order that if I gave my all to the physical exercise - pushing myself to exhaustion - and I QUICKLY got back to the locker room so I could finish showering before most of the other boys arrived, I could get through this. The strategy worked. Another boy in my grade wasn't so fortunate, and word shot around school early freshman year that 'he was a fag'. Apparently, he became aroused more than once during P.E. showers, and he was soon dubbed 'old faithful'. That stuck with him his entire four years of high school. I can't imagine the humiliation.

I could go on and on with stories of my late teens and early twenties, but I won't. I'll save some of those memories for future blogs. The main point is that there was no time at which I made the choice to be gay. Were the choice really mine, I would have chosen to be straight. I am so thankful that the choice wasn't mine to make, because I never would have had the opportunity to be blessed with the wonderful relationship I have with David right now.

I've talked to friends who have similar memories. I don't know of any gay men who recall making a choice. Most remember clues from early in their lives, and either accepted it from the beginning or fought it until they could fight no more. I have heard from a lesbian that she 'went back and forth between men and women until she finally decided she preferred women'. I don't know if that means she feels she did make a choice, or if she simply meant that she finally accepted who she is. I'll have to ask her. Perhaps women are wired differently, and have more control over their sexuality than men. I really don't know, but would love to hear some women's thoughts on the subject.

For those of you who are straight and still clinging to the idea that gays choose to be gay, help me answer a couple of basic questions:

1. Why would anyone choose to be gay in societies where it is not accepted? In American culture, one is subject to discrimination, ridicule, and sometimes violence. In some cultures, gays are literally persecuted and executed. Just in the past week, there have been numerous stories of gays and lesbians being rounded up and executed in Iraq - with the express endorsement of senior religious leaders. And yet there are clearly gays in virtually all cultures. With such negative social consequences, who in their right mind would choose this?


2. If you believe it is a choice, then it stands to reason that at some point you made a choice to be heterosexual. Does this mean that at some point, you were also sexually attracted to and aroused by your same gender? If not, how can you say you made the choice? It was made for you, just as it is for gays. If so, did you (or do you) acknowledge this sexual attraction to your friends and family? My guess is not. My guess is that you are one of the people who ridicule and shame gays for their sexuality - rooting them out and labeling them 'old faithful', or worse - while hiding the fact that you are insecure with your own sexuality. You lash out at others as a result of your own un-resolved fears about yourself.

The bottom line is sexual attraction and arousal is as natural and instinctual as hunger and thirst. There is no choosing involved. Your body responds to a stimulus and you can choose to act on it or not. You can try to train your body to adjust to certain stimulus and respond in different ways, but your basic urges and instincts are part of your core being.

With that said, I don't have the answer as to whether the genesis of sexuality is predetermined by genes, or if there are some environmental factors that somehow influence human biology - or some combination of the two. But I do know that it is as core to my being as hunger and thirst. And I couldn't be happier that I made the choice to accept who I am rather than spend a lifetime of denial and discontent.

Gay Myths / Stereotypes

I have to admit... before I really accepted the fact that I was gay (over 15 years ago), I had a completely false impression of what "being gay" meant. I thought that once you came out of the closet, you were immediately and permanantly thrust into a lifestyle that involved a lot of dancing, prancing, swishing, and lisping. I associated 'gayness' with people like Richard Simmons, Liberace, and Paul Lynde, and assumed you had to have some level of effeminate eccentricity to really be gay. And... I presumed that most gays lived in San Francisco. Those who didn't, likely lived submerged in a dark sub-culture that was filled with sexual predators and back alley encounters. They weren't my friends and neighbors, and certainly weren't integrated within 'normal society'. At least that's what I thought. Of course I couldn't have been more wrong.

I ultimately discovered that being gay is not a 'lifestyle'. There is no secret recipe for gayness, and there certainly isn't one image to which all gays aspire. The LGBT community is as diverse as society itself, and we comprise a wide range of beliefs and lifestyles. We represent every race, creed, religion, profession, age, and gender. We have personalities that range from the tragically dull to the wildly eccentric. Our kind includes the honest and the deceitful, the monogamous and the promiscuous, the passive and the militant, the urban and the suburban. We are your friends and neighbors - in all walks of life.

Our gayness does not define who we are as individuals. It does not dictate how we must act or what we must believe. In fact, our only common trait is simply that we are labeled by society according to our sexual identity. We are not traditional heterosexuals, and therefore we are not 'normal'. As a result, we are often subject to discrimination - sometimes even persecution - and we are not extended the same civil liberties as the rest of society.

So how can we go about affecting social change? How do we achieve social equality? First we must make it clear who we are and what we want. We are normal people who simply want to experience life as we were meant to - without fear of persecution or discrimination due to our sexual identity. We want the right to live and love with all the same freedoms enjoyed by our traditional heterosexual counterparts.

In this inaugural blog on PINK OUT LOUD, my hope is to raise awareness of the myths of being gay and the stereotypes surrounding the LGBT community. Ultimately, I would like to dive deeper into each one, but for now it's important to simply put them on the table.

Some of the key myths that come to mind include:

1. We choose to be gay
2. We have a 'gay lifestyle'
3. We recruit others to be gay
4. We are pedophiles
5. We are atheists and sinners

And some stereotypes:

1. Gay men love musical theater, the arts, and fashion... and hate sports
2. Lesbian women love cars, bikes, and power tools... and hate men
3. Neither gays nor lesbians can have lasting monogamous relationships
4. All cross-dressers are gay, and vice-versa

To be clear... I'm not suggesting that any of these myths are true. In fact, they are dangerous perceptions that lead to misplaced hatred and fear. Nor am I suggesting that these stereotypes don't exist within the LGBT community - because they do. In fact, some social circles embody these images with pride and dignity, allowing individuals the opportunity to embrace a gay identity that makes them feel accepted and valued, akin to fraternities and sororities. However, when applied with a broad brush to the entire LGBT community, these stereotypes inappropriately characterize what it means to be gay. For the record, I happen to love theater, arts, fashion, AND sports!

As I mentioned earlier... I will post future blogs that delve more deeply into each of these myths and stereotypes. But before I do, I want to hear from you. What other myths are associated with being gay? What other stereotypes are associated with LGBT community? Send me your thoughts! PINK OUT LOUD!