Gay Myth #1 - We choose to be gay

Before I delve into this topic, I feel compelled to expound for a minute on why it even matters. Frankly, to me it doesn't. However, to a large number of people out there - I like to think of them as 'moraliticians' - it's a critical question. The thinking goes like this... If sexuality is a choice, then the act of making the choice to be gay is one that has moral consequences, and can rightly and justly be deemed 'immoral'. If sexuality is somehow pre-determined, then the 'gay offender' cannot be held responsible as they had no choice in the matter. After all, you can't blame someone for their genetics / body chemistry. I think a little differently about the question. My view is that there is nothing wrong with being gay, so whether or not it is a choice is irrelevant.

With that said, I would like to answer the question from my perspective. I'll caveat everything I'm about to say with a disclaimer that I am not a scientist, I have not done any real research on the subject, and I can't really speak for the entire gay community. I am merely sharing my own personal history. It is my truth. I will also forewarn you that I will address this topic in a very frank and descriptive fashion. If you are offended or squeamish about the attractions and arousals of a gay man, please do read on. That's the point.

I can say unequivocally that I never made the choice to be gay. There was never a point in my life where I decided, "hmmm... all else being equal I think I would prefer to be sexually attracted to men instead of women". I never had that option. The fact is, once I became sexually aware, I quickly realized that I was sexually attracted to men - not women. And I was mortified. I didn't know what it meant to be gay, but I knew there was stigma associated with it, and I knew it was wrong. Growing up, I had visions of living the American dream... with a wife, kids, dog, picket fence... the whole deal. But this sexual deviancy of mine... well, it was sure to ruin everything.

Ultimately, I did make the choice to accept the fact that I am gay - but only after many years of denial, shame, self-loathing, and failed attempts to change myself. Of course, in hindsight, I now know that changing my sexuality was an impossible mission. I couldn't change something so fundamental, so core to my being. I am gay, plain and simple.

So when did I know? What were the clues? It's hard to pinpoint, but there were inklings early on and it became clearer as I grew older. Here are some key recollections:

• I had a boy doll when I was maybe 4(?) years old, and it was for dressing - meaning it had snaps, zippers, buttons, etc. I'm sure it was intended to teach children how to dress themselves, but I recall being fascinated with the pants. I kept un-doing the pants to see what was underneath. I think there might have been a girl doll too, but if there was, I never played with that.


• Around the same age, I recall being with my baby-sitter in a women's locker room at the community pool. I was upset that I couldn't go change in the men's locker room, because she didn't want me to go through there un-supervised. There were several women around in various states of un-dress, assuring me that someday I would LOVE to have the opportunity to be in the girls locker room with all these naked women. I distinctly recall thinking, "ummm... I seriously doubt it."


• When I was a little older (maybe 5 or 6), the same baby-sitter was dating a lifeguard. One evening, she took me to the pool where he worked and we swam for hours. He was a very good looking, nicely tanned, muscular guy, in a tight red swim suit. He would put me on his back and use the swim lane rope to pull himself and me across the pool as fast as he could. It was really a thrilling ride, and I clutched on to him as tightly as I could while we rushed through the water like a speeding torpedo. I couldn't put my finger on it at the time, but the thrill was more than just the ride... I was completely enamored with him.


• At age seven, I had a more complex view of the world. By then, we had a nanny who was a devout Baptist. She had been teaching me scriptures for months, and I was learning the concepts of heaven and hell. I asked her if children could go to hell, and she said "oh no, honey. All children under the age of 8 automatically go to heaven if they die - because they don't know right from wrong yet." Later that day, we were standing on a busy street corner waiting to cross, and I was seriously contemplating jumping in front of oncoming traffic. I knew there was something different about me, and that I had a challenging life in front of me. Perhaps I should take my 'free pass to heaven' while I still could. As I thought deeply about it - my heart racing faster with each car that whooshed by - I realized that I did know right from wrong and I wasn't about to get into heaven on an age technicality. I also knew that even though I was somehow different, I was strong enough to face whatever lie ahead.


• In middle school, things did get more difficult. By then, I was becoming aware of myself as a sexual being, not just a boy. And I saw others as sexual beings as well. As I became more familiar with the changes occurring in my body, I realized that I was sexually aroused by men and the thought of being naked around other men. Of course this posed a real challenge when we started showering for P.E. in 7th and 8th grade. Fortunately, showers weren't mandatory, so I simply avoided the situation at all costs.


• In high school, showering for P.E. was mandatory and I was absolutely terrified that I would not be able to hide the fact that I was gay. [For you straight guys out there... imagine if you were told your freshman and sophomore year that you had to shower with girls every day, and you would become a virtual pariah if you dared to become aroused. Think about it.] Fortunately, I learned in short order that if I gave my all to the physical exercise - pushing myself to exhaustion - and I QUICKLY got back to the locker room so I could finish showering before most of the other boys arrived, I could get through this. The strategy worked. Another boy in my grade wasn't so fortunate, and word shot around school early freshman year that 'he was a fag'. Apparently, he became aroused more than once during P.E. showers, and he was soon dubbed 'old faithful'. That stuck with him his entire four years of high school. I can't imagine the humiliation.

I could go on and on with stories of my late teens and early twenties, but I won't. I'll save some of those memories for future blogs. The main point is that there was no time at which I made the choice to be gay. Were the choice really mine, I would have chosen to be straight. I am so thankful that the choice wasn't mine to make, because I never would have had the opportunity to be blessed with the wonderful relationship I have with David right now.

I've talked to friends who have similar memories. I don't know of any gay men who recall making a choice. Most remember clues from early in their lives, and either accepted it from the beginning or fought it until they could fight no more. I have heard from a lesbian that she 'went back and forth between men and women until she finally decided she preferred women'. I don't know if that means she feels she did make a choice, or if she simply meant that she finally accepted who she is. I'll have to ask her. Perhaps women are wired differently, and have more control over their sexuality than men. I really don't know, but would love to hear some women's thoughts on the subject.

For those of you who are straight and still clinging to the idea that gays choose to be gay, help me answer a couple of basic questions:

1. Why would anyone choose to be gay in societies where it is not accepted? In American culture, one is subject to discrimination, ridicule, and sometimes violence. In some cultures, gays are literally persecuted and executed. Just in the past week, there have been numerous stories of gays and lesbians being rounded up and executed in Iraq - with the express endorsement of senior religious leaders. And yet there are clearly gays in virtually all cultures. With such negative social consequences, who in their right mind would choose this?


2. If you believe it is a choice, then it stands to reason that at some point you made a choice to be heterosexual. Does this mean that at some point, you were also sexually attracted to and aroused by your same gender? If not, how can you say you made the choice? It was made for you, just as it is for gays. If so, did you (or do you) acknowledge this sexual attraction to your friends and family? My guess is not. My guess is that you are one of the people who ridicule and shame gays for their sexuality - rooting them out and labeling them 'old faithful', or worse - while hiding the fact that you are insecure with your own sexuality. You lash out at others as a result of your own un-resolved fears about yourself.

The bottom line is sexual attraction and arousal is as natural and instinctual as hunger and thirst. There is no choosing involved. Your body responds to a stimulus and you can choose to act on it or not. You can try to train your body to adjust to certain stimulus and respond in different ways, but your basic urges and instincts are part of your core being.

With that said, I don't have the answer as to whether the genesis of sexuality is predetermined by genes, or if there are some environmental factors that somehow influence human biology - or some combination of the two. But I do know that it is as core to my being as hunger and thirst. And I couldn't be happier that I made the choice to accept who I am rather than spend a lifetime of denial and discontent.