Gay Myth #3: We Recruit Others

One of my favorite 'gay moments' on TV comes from the series 'Ellen', when Ellen Degeneres officially comes out as a lesbian, and Susan, her new love interest, wins a free toaster for recruiting her (click on this link from YouTube to see it). What a riot! It makes a farce out of the all-too-familiar myth that gay people proactively recruit others to become gay - and it hopefully makes people who perpetuate this myth feel a little bit absurd when they watch it.

So why does this myth exist at all? And why does it matter?

I think it stems from the misguided belief that being gay is a 'choice' and/or a 'lifestyle', coupled with a leap of logic that says gays must proactively convert others since no one in their right mind would make the choice by themselves. At its core, this myth essentially represents the antithesis of the heterosexual rite of passage where young men lose their virginity to lusty and alluring vamps while young women preserve their chastity for their one true love. If not careful, the young adonis can be dissuaded from his true path by the hedonism of a gay lifestyle, and the nubile virgin can be consumed by the treacherous independence of a man-hating lesbian culture. It is the ultimate realization of 'tainted love'.

In my mind, this myth is dangerous because it escalates the anxiety of homophobes - vilifying the gay community, and introducing the insidious element of moral corruption of the innocent. It infers that gays are not only morally suspect because of our personal choice, but given the opportunity we will spread our sexual deviance like a disease. This myth is more dangerous than the previous two I've blogged about, because it turns a mere sin into a moral threat. If not watched closely, we will corrupt your children and convert your friends and family. Ultimately, we are people to be feared. When fueled sufficiently, the flames of fear become the bonfires of hatred.

So now the tough question... is there any truth to this myth? I mean... is it really possible that gays do try to recruit others to be gay (either consciously or subconsciously)?

Honestly, I've wrestled with this notion for a long time and I'll explain why. But first and foremost, let me remind readers that I have already emphatically argued that being gay is not a choice. Therefore, one can only conclude that it would be fruitless to try to recruit others to become gay. No matter how hard you try, you can't make somebody gay. Period.

So why have I wrestled with this? I think it's more the perception of recruiting that has troubled me rather than the reality of it. For me, the only time I have been confronted with the notion of 'recruiting', is when I have either suspected a young person of being gay or I have been pulled aside by an adult who is questioning his or her sexuality. In both situations (which I have encountered more than once), I have struggled with what I should or shouldn't do. If I pursue the discussion, I risk the perception of 'recruiting'. If I don't, I may be risking even more.

When it comes to gay youth, my earlier inclination was to avoid the subject at all costs and let them figure it out for themselves. I essentially kept my suspicions to myself - neither offering an inkling to the parent(s) nor to the youth in question. But as I've re-visited some of the deep angst I experienced in challenging and resisting my own sexuality, I recognize now how much of a difference it would have made for me to have a gay role model in my life - someone to confide in and help me understand that it's really OK to be gay. I didn't need anyone to recruit me, I simply needed to know that there were people I could respect and admire who also happen to be gay.

While I was fortunate enough to make it through my adolescence (which was tumultuous, indeed), many do not. As sobering perspective, here is an excerpt from an article in About.com that highlights the risk of assuming a gay adolescent will work it out for him or herself:

"Lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and questioning youth are up to four times more likely to attempt suicide than their heterosexual peers, according to the Massachusetts 2006 Youth Risk Survey. A 2007 San Francisco State University Chavez Center Institute study shows that lgbt and questioning youth who come from a rejecting family are up to nine times more likely to attempt suicide than their heterosexual peers."

The truth is, societal pressures - especially those reinforced by a morally restrictive home environment - can often be too much for a gay adolescent to handle. The self-loathing, the feeling of failure, and the prospect of being a social outcast for the rest of ones life can be overwhelming. Being a teen is hard enough. Being a gay teen is that much harder.

The same can be true for adults. How many people have not accepted their sexuality, and have quietly condemned themselves over a lifetime, trying to live a lie for a society they believe will shun them? Maybe they've gone as far as getting married and having children, only to loathe themselves even more for not only being gay - but for being a liar as well. I can't imagine the constant inner-turmoil these people must endure. What's worse, is it's a conflict that stems from a premise that is inherently false - that there is something wrong with being gay. There is not. There is something wrong with a society that does not accept the fact that people are gay.

The bottom line is, as I've grown older and more comfortable with sexual diversity in general, I've come to recognize the best way to help others is to be a good role model myself. I need to make it clear to others that it's OK to be gay. It's not about who you love, it's about how you live.

If I see someone who appears to be struggling with his or her sexuality - at any age - I won't be shy about offering my support as a friend or family member to help them through it. I can't presume to tell someone whether he or she is gay - that is a personal truth that only he or she can discover. But I can be open and honest about my life experience, which will hopefully encourage others to be open and honest with themselves. The goal isn't to recruit others to be gay... it's to let those who are anguishing over their sexuality know that it's not worth the heartache.

Life is too precious and short to succumb to the ignorance and insecurities of others. Live life and love it. Be who you are, with dignity and pride - gay or straight. It's as simple as that.